The Secret of Ventriloquism Read online

  I tried to turn around, tried to force myself to stop the car. But all control had been subliminally relinquished, and I had become a mere dream-spectator in a reality that was not a dream. I made the final, automatic turn towards what I felt was the center of town—the source of the foul awakening. But the Origami house appeared now to be nothing more than a trailer, battered and falling apart, almost at one with the kudzu that smothered it. And then the trailer unfolded itself. And unfolded itself. And unfolded itself.

  I’m no longer certain of what happened next. A voice (my voice?) spoke to me in whispers and rustlings and screams.

  I wasn’t surprised that I came to myself—such as I am—later, traveling back over the bay bridge. I could smell the city before I could see it, passing a sign that proclaimed, “Welcome to Dunnstown! Next to Yours, the Best Town in the United States!” Foyle as I knew it was gone. I drove towards a smoggy little city with factories and expansive parks and one indoor swamp nestled within its central business district. The voice of the Origami, the thing that the shock-haired boy had called Daddy Longlegs, echoes still within my mind, a static that imparts so much more than words ever could. In certain moods, I feel a vast sense of relief. It’s all out of my hands now. Has never truly been in my hands. But at other times I’m wracked with guilt. I somehow awakened one sleeping house in Court Hill. And now everything on both the east and west shores is waking up into a new, malignant reality. There is no possibility of flight, to the beach or elsewhere. I belong to Dunnstown.

  I continue my work in the library, and I am still subject to awful bouts of nervous mania punctuated by suicidal depression. But more and more I become lost in the thought of Dunnstown itself, the terrible plane catastrophe most Dunnstowners can only half remember, the police conspiracy to cover up a new and terrible series of occult-based crimes. An abandoned factory in the midst of the city’s park that contains a miserable secret. I’ve become lost in what passes for Solomon Kroth’s esoteric life. I am awakening by degrees into this not-dream in which mortuaries and chapels are full and not even the air itself may be breathed freely.

  As I sit at my desk in the reference department, puffing occasionally on one of my oxygen tanks, I count the fingers of my right hand out of force of habit. The vestigial finger on my right hand disappeared or fell off some time ago. The once familiar memories of Foyle, what was my house, Margaret, the twins, everything I thought I was and knew are fading. I’m going to burn this journal or at least hide it out sight so that the memories might fade more quickly. In my more lucid moments I know that this life, such as it is, will not last much longer. The man I once was would consider that a mercy, but I no longer even believe in the release of death. It is only a transition into yet another borrowed reality.

  So that’s what I found within a series of folded papers inside my bed, N—. I’ve never before been able to explain why I forced you out of the house in the midst of our serene, loving life, and I don’t expect belief, understanding or forgiveness to come of this letter. I just want to know that you’re still out there, that things aren’t changing again. Here in Dunnstown every autumn that comes around brings longer and fouler paper mill days. Do you remember those, or are they too only new ripples of chaos in the fabric of things? More hidden or forgotten realities waking up out of the dream of today.

  Please write back, N—. My health is failing, I’ve developed a terrible stutter, and I’ve been blacking out for days at a time. Even if you only return the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope to let me know you’re alive. That you ever existed. I feel everything slipping away into a new world—a blacker reality than any I’ve ever known or felt. Half the days I don’t know who I am anymore, and I’m afraid that the powers that be in Dunnstown—or the powers behind the powers that be—are changing things again. Daddy Longlegs, the Origami... folding and unfolding inside. Help me, N—.

  As I look over this spidery script, I can feel my perspective slipping from first person to third, and I’m wondering if this old, shock-haired librarian isn’t me at all. Perhaps Solomon Kroth—that silly, lonely Esoterician—is only a part of what I am. Perhaps I exist within the texture of these walls, the low, sagging ceilings of these pages. I can feel the structure shift as it all changes again.

  I would count my fingers to see if I’m still dreaming. But I have so many.

  20 Simple Steps to Ventriloquism

  Being a ventriloquist is a lot of fun. Anyone from eight to eighty can learn the basic techniques of this craft with a little practice. If you really want to know about ventriloquism and what it can do for you, just follow these 20 easy steps, and one day you will find out just how much fun a ventriloquist can have.

  STEP 1

  “How to hold your mouth”

  Always practice in front of a mirror. Close your mouth in a natural, relaxed way and part your lips slightly. Stare at your mouth in this position until you can see nothing else, as if your mouth were hovering in the midst of nothingness.

  STEP 2

  “Recite the beginner’s alphabet”

  The first part of the beginner’s alphabet has 19 letters. The letters are: A, C, D, E, G, H, I, J, K, L, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, X, and Z. With your mouth in the position described in STEP 1, recite this part of the alphabet over and over. You may have to do this hundreds or even thousands of times before you get it right. While you master this STEP, it may seem strange that these sounds are coming out of your mouth while it is not moving. Try not to focus on this phenomenon or your progress as a ventriloquist may be hindered.

  STEP 3

  “Your first sentence”

  The second part of the alphabet has 7 letters: B, F, M, P, V, W, and Y. If you try to pronounce these letters the same way you did the others, you will find that you have to move your lips. So, for the time being, substitute another sound for these letters. For example, try this sentence: “The bad boy destroyed the big jet by using his brain.” Only with your mouth in the position described in STEP 1, say: “The dad doy destroyed the dig jet dy using his drain.” Again, focus strictly on your technique, avoiding any other thoughts or perceptions you may have.

  STEP 4

  “You say one thing... and think another”

  Think of the letter “B” while you are saying the letter “D.” If you sit in front of the mirror long enough and say the letter “D” while thinking “B,” you will soon have a sound clear enough so that, in normal conversation, no one will notice the difference. Even you may soon fail to notice that you are saying one thing and thinking another, as this technique becomes second nature to you.

  STEP 5

  “Use ‘TH’ or ‘ETH’ instead of ‘F’”

  Instead of saying “F” make it come out “eth” if it comes in the middle or end of a word. If it comes at the beginning of a word, just say “th.” Example: “Without any effort, I frankly feel like a trifle.” Now say “Without any ethort, I thrankly theel like a trithle.” This is where the real challenge of ventriloquism begins as you practice over and over—many thousands of times—in front of a mirror. For a while you will sound as if you have a speech impediment and may not even recognize your own voice. But do not give up. Later your voice will become your “dummy voice,” which will be nothing like the voice you recognize as your own.

  STEP 6

  “How to say the letters ‘M’, ‘P’, and ‘V’”

  Instead of saying “M” say “N.” Try this sentence: “My mind made the mad rummy melt.” This is not difficult, for “N” is a combination of “M” and “N” as you say, “Ny nind nade the nad runny nelt.” Even though most of us have never made a “mad rummy melt” with our “mind,” this is all part of the act of “dummy talk.” Do the same with “P”—using “T” in its place. For the sentence, “The proud teacher put his pupil together,” say “The troud teacher tut his tutil together.” For “V” use “The”—while you think “V.” For the sentence, “Not every ventriloquist is a Greater Ventriloquist,” say “N
ot ethery thentriloquist is a Greater Thentriloquist.” Of course, you may think this is all complete nonsense, but a lot of things that people say—even most things—are complete nonsense. This is not the ventriloquist’s concern.

  STEP 7

  “‘W’ is tricky, but you can do it”

  If you say the letter “W” as it sounds, it will come out as “dubble-you.” That’s fairly easy, isn’t it? You know now to say “duddle-you” instead. But now take the word “wish,” as in “I wish I was a Greater Ventriloquist,” which you cannot say without a flutter of the lips, not even if you say it many thousands of times. So here is where you will need practice. Make a sound—something like “OHISH.” Say it over and over until it sounds enough like “WISH” so that it can pass for this word, just as so many things pass for other things in this world.

  STEP 8

  “Getting to know your dummy”

  Sit down on a chair in front of a mirror and carefully put your ventriloquist dummy on your knee. Hold on to your dummy with both hands. Insert your right or left hand into its back and find its controls. Practice moving its head and its mouth. Think about your dummy moving its head while you move its head. Think about its mouth opening and closing while you open and close it. Soon you will be performing these actions without having to put them together in your head. That is how your dummy needs to move. Automatically. Its eyes must move around, scanning the room just like yours might. Its mouth must open and close in perfect concert with your unconscious voice throwing (see STEPS 1-7). This STEP may take more than hundreds or even thousands of hours to perfect as you stare at yourself and your dummy in the mirror. After enough practice, the dummy will move just as easily and as naturally as you do.

  STEP 9

  “They are all dummies”

  STEP 8 directed you to practice using your dummy until it moved “as naturally as you do.” But how can a block of wood, carved and painted in the likeness of a human being, ever hope to be natural? Before we explore the answer to this crucial question, you are going to need to answer a question of a different but no less crucial sort. What do you wish to achieve through the art of ventriloquism? If your aim is simply to become a proficient showman, skilled enough to achieve some modicum of success through performing at children’s birthday parties, local variety shows and community theatre acts, do not read any further. Study and apply STEPS 1-8 but do not read on. Your tutelage is complete, and with enough practice you very well may become a competent, even an excellent, show business ventriloquist. However, if STEPS 1-8 do not satisfy you, if manipulating your dummy seems limited and simplistic and even frustrating, if you have an overwhelming desire—a hunger—to know what Greater Ventriloquism is and what it can do for you and your life, read on. Again: you must continue reading only if you really want to know what the secret of Greater Ventriloquism has to offer. Fine. Now that that is out of the way—again: how can a block of wood, carved and painted in the likeness of a human being, ever hope to be natural? Easy. Have you ever had a pet? Many at-home animals are taught to behave using commands—which may be direct (like “stay” or “sit”) but which might also involve subtle gestures and sounds, all of which you may make without conscious thought. You “push their levers” and “pull their cords” so to speak, to make them do what you want them to do. With practice, we can control our pets without effort, without thinking about it. We do one thing and think another. And what about our relationships with other human animals? Cannot we “push their levers” and “pull their cords” just as well, just as automatically? Is this manipulation really all that different from making your ventriloquist dummy move and talk—just how you want it to move and saying just what you want it to say? If you practice STEPS 1-8 for very long, you will learn all you need to know about controlling the animals around you—human or not—bar none. STEP 9 is your first real step towards becoming a Greater Ventriloquist, but it is quite a simple one. Just remind yourself that the ventriloquist dummy, your pets, your family and friends all have one thing in common with each other: they are dummies. With practice, you will be amazed at how they will dance to the tune of your voice.

  STEP 10

  “Do not be discouraged”

  As you work to control all the animal-dummies around you as prescribed in STEP 9 (“They are all dummies”), it may soon appear that they are not sentient at all. You may observe how artificial their thoughts and motivations appear, from their impulses to eat and sleep to the redundant static of their words. But you may also have noticed how difficult it is to control animal-dummies for any length of time. This is normal. The fact is, no matter how meticulous or consistent your practice is, it is practically impossible to make an animal-dummy move and speak just the way you want it to move and speak. And it is painful and exhausting to try. But do not be discouraged. Suffering and exhaustion are both key to your future mastery of Greater Ventriloquism.

  STEP 11

  “Remove yourself from animal-dummies”

  Have you practiced STEPS 1-10? Have you practiced these STEPS every day? Have you spent uncountable hours in front of the mirror throwing your voice, lips never fluttering? Does your dummy have a life and a voice as real to you as any animal-dummy—human or non-human—you have ever known? Can you do one thing while thinking about something else (or even nothing at all)? Have you at least tried to influence or control the so-called sentient beings around you? If not, do not bother reading on—you are not ready yet. However, if you have earnestly attempted to master STEPS 1-10 as described above, it is imperative that you immediately remove yourself from daily contact with other animals—human or not. Since you have made the choice to pursue Greater Ventriloquism, you have likely discovered that managing your ventriloquism practice and “real world” activities and relationships simultaneously is a difficult if not impossible task. Are the basic instructions stated in STEP 9 (“They are all dummies”) erroneous then? Not at all. On the contrary, trying to master STEP 9 is essential to your growth towards becoming a Greater Ventriloquist. Even if you fail after tens of thousands of attempts (and—believe me—you will), this practice and this practice alone will lead you to STEP 12... and beyond.

  STEP 12

  “Find a good place to work”

  STEP 12 goes hand in hand with STEP 11: find yourself a good, isolated place to live without comfort and communication contraptions—where you and your dummy can have all the time in the world unmolested. You may have to pull a few strings and put some things together to make this happen. The choices that must be made in the name of Greater Ventriloquism sometimes require sacrifices that come in all manner of forms. In fact, a potential Greater Ventriloquist at times must perform actions that the common herd of animal-dummies may find unsavory—even criminal—in nature. This is not your concern. Remember, the “people” you must deal with to survive are mere dummies serving a higher purpose—a kind of Ultimate Ventriloquism—that they cannot hope to comprehend. Animal-dummies must be treated at all times with false and/or unsympathetic regard. Believe me, they do not feel a thing.

  STEP 13

  “Mirror-work”

  Your most dramatic transition from lesser to Greater Ventriloquism begins now. Choose or otherwise attain a mirror, one in a space that can be made to be almost completely devoid of natural light. Of course, you must have some form of light for your work, but it must be quite dim. Try a tiny lamp bulb wrapped in a dark blue gel of the sort used for dressing backstage. It will need to be put together. The illumination must be sparse enough so that you can only just barely see yourself and your dummy in the mirror the first time you turn out your primary light source. If possible, procure a tape player or some such contraption and record the next STEP as if it were a meditation or relaxation exercise (even if you know that attempting to achieve Greater Ventriloquism is anything but meditative or relaxing). Replay this recording in the semi-darkness of your mirror-space until you achieve the desired results. It may take many attempts, literally thousands of at
tempts, to accomplish the ultimate goal of this most exciting and challenging STEP yet, but with enough practice you will do just fine.